So this is life?
by Ashes Forgotten
Summary: Yet another L/J story by me. Lily's POV on being an outcast and ice queen. No perfect little princess stories here. A bit disturbing but please R/R!


A/N- not that big of a thing just a lil story by me...it's also a L/J cause that's all I really write now days unless I'm writing something original. From Lily's POV. Read WAR OF THE PRANKS and r/r but only after this one.

Disclaimer- Nothing is really mine so shove it up your butt...If you feel like flaming this story I really dun care. I'll just torture you, put you down, beat you with an emu, and then ship you off to Afghanistan.

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Ok...So Life is What?

Ok you know how in life there is always that one person who everyone hates or is afraid of? Or how there are always the popular preppy people who think they rule everything? Maybe the geeks who everyone scoffs at cause they are smart and ugly? Then there are always the feuding rappers, rockers, and preps right? The pretty much sums up my school and life. Let me guess you're wondering which category I fall under and who I am? I bet you are. My name is Lillian Evans and I'm seventeen. Oh sure you may think I'm still a kid but let me tell you I have been through more stuff then an adult has. I fall into two categories. The one where I'm the kid people hate, don't know me and of course the rockers. I'm a rebel, all around bad girl, and Goth. No I'm not totally suicidal but I'll let you think of how many times I have tried it or though about it. More then you can count that's how much. 

It's not like I try to be this way, it's just my character and I ain't ever gonna change. No, I'm not some screwed up freak that you are talking to. I'm a freak though to a lot of people including my anti-me sister Petunia. No not the run around in a carrot suit screaming "LOOK AT ME I'M SUPER CARROT!" but another different kind of freak. You see for the past seven years I have been going to this boarding school somewhere in Scotland called Hogwarts for Witchcraft and Wizardry or Hoggie for short. Yeah I'm a witch so get over it. 

This whole witchcraft thing is still kinda new to me. It also killed my parents but hey who cares they thought i was a bit weird. I wonder why? Sure the guilt eats me up but I think it just adds to my oh so lovely character. See nobody really knows what I'm like. My sister thinks I'm a homicidal maniac who is gonna kill her, my parents thought I was a total angel, and the kids at my school think I'm a freak even by that schools standards. 

My mom said I was beautiful. I think that's a bunch of Eartha Kitt. I got short, straight, blood red hair and these emerald eyes that make you think I'm almost happy and friendly which I ain't. Over the years I started to change a bit. NO NOT LIKE THAT! I mean personality wise. I was never very social but at least in my old school i had a gang of my type of people. Me being Wicca put this whole ironic twist on me being a witch. I ain't no posh English person either. Yup I'm American unlike most of my school. Speak a bit of cockney though. 

I'm in Gryffindor and Head Girl this year. Suspect that Dumbledore was Elephant's Trunk, smoking some pope on a rope, or just Melvyn Bragged with a Jack the Ripper down at the Rub-Dub in Hogsmede. Then again I do get some decent grades unlike those Doug McClures in my dorm. They are actually bright and breezy I've heard but they are always Flight Lieutenant Biggles over those Paper Hats in the boys dorm. Mind you I would give anything to set Jeremiah to those Ronald Riches. Not making any sense? I said that Dumbledore was most likely drunk, smoking some dope, or just screwed a stripper at the pub in Hogsmede. Also said that the girls in my dorm were easy whores/bitches who are always giggling over those prats and would like to set fire to them. 

I guess Remus is kinda ok. Peter is just a coward and then there are Black and Potter. Both are Elephant &Castles (assholes). James Potter is the worst. He is a major Little Critter (bull shitter) and probably an All Time Loser (boozer). All four are Deaf and Dumbs (bums) who needs someone to deal with them. Needless to say it's because of these ruof Fridge Freezers my life ain't the same. I owe a lot to them and to Dumbledore for naming me Head Girl. 

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"Freak move we need this compartment. Rumor has it the Marauders are thinking about sitting with us."

"Shove off you fugly Doug McClures. I was here first and I ain't moving."

"I don't have time for you little Cockney phrases Evans just move your arse out of here!"

"You don't even know what I said Ronald Rich."

"It doesn't take a genius to figure out your insulting me."

"I wasn't insulting you though. I was just congratulating you on your new level of annoying preppiness."

"UGH!" Ok so I found amusement in torturing the little prep. Who wouldn't?

"May we sit here ladies?" I looked towards the door and almost screamed out in agony. This wasn't fair! The eight people I hate the most taking over MY compartment and annoying the Tom Tit outta me!

"Actually you can't cause I was sitting here first before these sluts came barging in." Man you should have seen the looks on their faces at being insulted in front of those Paper Hats! I'm telling you it was priceless. Their traps fell open so wide a purple, duck-billed platypus could have waddled into it. 

"Excuse me Evans was just leaving. She has a bad case of PMS right now." Dude she actually came up with a comeback! Is she growing a brain? Maybe someday she'll come up with one worth listening to!

"That would be you Barbie. I suggest you get your fat arse outta here before I hex you. Or shove some pope on a rope up your arse with the rest of your preppy crew." I pride myself on my comebacks. No I'm no on any drugs though I do sometimes smoke when I get a chance. I know its bad for you and I'm bound to have the cops after me one day but I love this stuff. 

"Ladies please don't fight. Now would anyone care to explain to us what the black phoenix was saying about popes on ropes?" You can always count on the oh so witty mouth of Sirius to make my temper pop and punch him. You see this is the part where he's laying on the floor and his friends are laughing and the Ronald Riches look like the are gonna die of shock.

"Lay off Evans. We don't want you freak slime in here so leave. Besides our reps will be ruined if we are seen in a compartment with someone like you dressed like that." Did I mention I hate preps? Well I do and I especially hate blonde ones named Stephanie Dims. 

"Nothing is wrong with the way I'm dressed. Besides who would want to look preppy? After all the plastic added onto you that I'm surprised Matel hasn't signed a contract for Barbie already. Isn't she all preppy and plastic to?" Ok so I was wearing an outfit that stood out among the preppy dressed people. Black skirt with black fishnet stockings, short sleeve black shirt with black fishnet stockings slipped on over my arms and ending in gloves at the tips of my fingers, black army boots, black makeup and nail polish with my usual chains. It's my look right? I refuse to blend in with those freaks. 

"Hate to break this cat fight up but we just need to know if we can stay." UGH! Does this Potter guy ever give up? 

"Screw the cat fight how 'bout getting Miss Goth off me?" Oops my fault forgot the prat existed. 

"Sorry you are just so easy to forget." B-I-T-C-H and that is what I am.

"Of course you can stay." DAMN HER! Ok this is the last straw.

"THAT'S IT! OUT YOU GODDAMN PREPS!" I flicked my hand and she flew out through the door. So what I found a way to get past the no magic on vacation. Who needs a wand when you can flick your hand and the annoying preppies fly out the window? 

"AHHHHHHHH!" Damn where this Barbie learn to scream? 

"Now if you excuse me arse-holes I'm gonna go listen to rock music and kill myself because I have been exposed to deadly preppiness." Give me a break I'm only seventeen I tend to give into my childish side every now and then!

"Freak…" I almost screamed as I pushed every single person out and locked the door. They are so annoying but this is my last year stuck with them right?

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Lovely beginning to the year if you asked me. That's also how I earned the nickname Black Phoenix, and Firebird from those damn Marauders. That first week back I swear they were gonna drive me insane. Not that anyone considered me sane in the first place but then again who is? Oh sure I jumped off the North Tower at the end of the week but I had a good reason to. You see it really involved me being emotionally attacked by Petunia and the Gryffindor Preppies as I call them. 

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This is the life I swear. Sitting out by the lake past midnight, relaxing with some tunes, and smoking a nice cigarette. It isn't like I'm addicted I just do it every now and then when I feel life is sucking more then usual. See I usually just hang out on the rocks with a beer and a pack seeing how big of smoke rings I can make. Never been caught. Well until some damn Hufflepuff decided to be dumb and spy on me as I snuck out. Guess she thought that if she caught me doing something bad then I would lose Head Girl. Not that I wouldn't mind losing that. I never try to be good in anything. The brains are just there and I can't fail something on purpose that just takes the fun out of things. My parents are the ones who pushed me and everything and I kind blame them for making be some kinda freak. I only consider myself a freak when I actually think about caring for something even for just a second. Yup that's me Lillian Evans the heartless bitch. Damn proud to except for the bitch part. Anyway as I'm sitting there smoking I hear someone coming so I chuck the beer and crush the cigarette. I don't even bother to hide. I could always say I fell asleep. Of course the stupid Hufflepuff had to go get Dumbledore who actually thought I could turn into a decent person if I tried just so I could disappoint him. He still doesn't know that I can do magic without a wand but he doesn't have to find that out. Right?

"Lillian?" I close my eyes and pretend to go to sleep. I'm a pretty damn good actress seeing as I act my whole life out not being myself. I feel him shaking me slightly and pretend to wake up.

"Professor Dumbledore? Where am I?" I try my best to sound confused and do the usual looking around my surroundings as if I don't know where I am routine. 

"I was wondering that to Miss Evans. A Hufflepuff came to me with some story about you walking down the corridor smoking, drinking, and being out of bed at this time. Care to explain." Must kill that Hufflepuff now for ruining my night. To lie or not to lie? Duh lie of course. Screw Dumbledore he really doesn't care about me. 

"I don't remember anything sir. I just remembering leaving the Great Hall after diner and then everything else is blank." Am I good or what? No I'm not full of myself so get over it k?

"Very well please go to bed now and no more night time wanderings. I do suggest however that next time you feel the need to lie you bring a breath mint with you in order to cover the smoke. I do hate those things but it's your choice after all." _POP!_ There goes my ego and self-confidence. Ok so the excuse was almost foolproof. Better then any other prep could have come up with. 

The next night I jumped off the North Tower hoping I would finally end my life because the preps had been torturing me and hurting me badly. Just because it's me and my life sucks so does my luck and I don't die. Damn Dumbledore saw me falling past his bedroom and stopped me. All I got was a few broken bones, a couple lectures, sad looks or pity, oh and don't forget those lovely rumors always flying around about me. 

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I tried to kill myself every Sunday night until Dumbledore had me put under surveillance. The only peace I ever get is in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. I'm thinking about shoving my head in the toilet and killing myself with a major swirly but then Myrtle would be in the toilet and I can't stand her. She ruins smoking time when I'm pissed which is everyday. Her useless wailing on how bad her life was when I got an even worse one.

Since I was put under watch I spend almost all my free time in that bathroom and usually practice my hand magic. Being Wicca before coming here added a bonus because I know other forms of magic. Since I confined myself in the bathroom I got a bunch of tattoos and piercings. 'Bout 5 holes per an ear and my belly button pierced. Got a tattoo of a pentagram, an elemental eye, and a bloody rose. I bet those professors were starting to regret me as Head Girl. 

Gryffindor is made up of rockers and preps. Not hardcore like me but you know the soft ones. Every now and then you find someone who understands my type of group. Hufflepuff is all the preppie teeny bops and Slytherin is all rappers. I hate rappers more then preps because they are so goddamn annoying. Ravenclaw is mainly posers or the smaller groups like country, classical, and the nerds. 

I hadn't made a single friend the whole time I was in Hogwarts. Not one and I didn't want to make any. Ever since my parents died I closed myself up more then usual. I know I'm a freak but I deal with it. The closest thing I ever had to a friend was my cat but that died on me to. The damn Slytherin rappers thought it would be funny to take it and put it in the Slytherin Girl's bathroom. Needless to say the only friend I ever had at Hogwarts died of fright. Sirius Black proved me wrong though. Turns out under all that annoying shit he's made of he's a rocker like me, just hangs out with preppy people. It's actually kinda funny when I think of how he got on my somewhat of a good side.

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"Hey Black Phoenix can you hand me that book?" Did I mention I hate that nickname? Well I do! Grabbing the book I slammed it down on top of Sirius' head and turned around.

"Don't call me that Grim." Oh just great I gave him a nickname. Was it just me or did he just go white?

"Grrrr-ii-mm?" Oh look I got Sirius Black to stutter!

"Did I just get Sirius Black to stumble on his own words? So what's up with the word Grim? Like it means you'll be the death of me someday. Besides you look like a shaggy dog." So sue me I find enjoyment in teasing people. Nasty by nature you can call it!

"Me stutter? NEVER! I just don't like Grims." This is where I roll my eyes and look back down at my favorite book. 

"Whatever you say Grim." Will he leave me alone? 

"What ya reading Blackie?" Must not kill, must not kill, oh to hell kill him! 

"I'm reading the Encyclopedia to Serial Killers. Next question?" Ok so I like morbid things give me a break.

"Nice and cheery as usual I see. Bright little ray of sunshine aren't you?" DIE! DIE! DIE! 

"Yeah and if I get any brighter you're dead. Now scram." Maybe I should try the swirly killing idea on him.

"Sorry Phoenix but it's Myrtle's bathroom." UGH! KILLER SWIRLY TIME! I grabbed him and pushed his head down the toilet and flushed. It was actually funny to hear his screams. 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I couldn't tell if he saw Moaning Myrtle or was drowning so I pulled his head out. Needless to say he looks actually funny and almost made me want to laugh. Notice the word almost.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!" I swear if preps get any smaller brains then they already have they would be dead.

"I wanted to try out my new method of killing myself." Judging by his look I was gonna get it big time only in a different punishment then I would have liked. So that's how I ended up chained to the toilet and forced to talk to him and get to know him. Turns out Sirius is actually a rocker and not some dinky prep. Says he just hangs out with the bimbos for the hell of it and that James and Remus are preps either. I beg to differ on the James part. 

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I learned to exist with Sirius and Remus always trying to break through and be my friends. Trained me well it did. I never once broke down and let them inside the real me. I've lessened up on the smoking and suicide attempts but am still the loner rebel. I set the Slytherin common room on fire and wrote 'Rap is Crap' all over their things with the help of Grim and Wolf. The Gryffindor Preppies still hated me even though I had somewhat of companions who tried to me my friends. 

After Easter things became really weird in my life. Petunia somehow got up the courage to owl my a nice little letter and totally ruined my life again. I shoved Grim and Wolf out of my life completely and wouldn't talk to anyone. Neither did I attempt suicide and I gave off the false appearance of being somewhat healed. According to Grim I came up a couple times during the Marauders conversations while I was slipping out of reality. 

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"I don't get it Moony how come she all the sudden hates us again?" Sirius sighed and flopped down on his bed.

"I don't know Padfoot but we were doing her some good. Dumbledore told me she hadn't smoked or tried to kill herself for 3 months." James walked in on the two friends conversing over the screwed up girl.

"I know you don't talk to her since you think she's a freak but what do you make of Firebird?"

"Don't make anything Padfoot. Don't talk to her, don't look at her, don't even acknowledge her existence anymore."

"See that's the problem with you Prongs you don't understand anything about her and the whole labels her as a freak because she dares to be different."

"Nope no problem with my Moony. It's her that's the problem. She's the freak. Dressed in black like somebody died, listening to Goth music, doing the whole suicidal loner act. Besides I doubt that she has told you anything about her at all."

"Prongs you sound like one of those annoying preppy bimbos."

"I DO NOT!"

"Fine you don't, BUT ONLY IF you give Phoenix a chance."

"Isn't that some sort of blackmail?"

"Nope. All I ask is that you give our little firebird a chance and see if you can help us."

"Fine whatever."

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What Grim and Wolf don't know is I owe them everything. They sent a light into my bleak gloomy world I have been living in forever. What the didn't understand was that all I needed and wanted was a friend who understood me, who listened to my troubles, who lent me a shoulder to cry on even though I never cry. I think they knew I needed that but were to scared to make a move of such friendship thinking I would be scared off. In truth I probably would have but at least it might have helped. 

They kept pushing to get into my life and attempt to get to know me again but had very little advancement. I wasn't being stubborn or anything I was just scared for me. I couldn't take anymore pain in my life and I couldn't help but think that they would bring loads more into it. I still remember the night my life would forever change and always will.

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"Lily you in here?" I looked up at the door and almost screamed at James but couldn't. My vision was going and the world was getting darker as I glanced down upon the bloodstained knife and then at my gushing wrists. I heard his gasp and try to stop the bleeding but it was no use. Luck was finally on my side and was letting me die. All I remember is things going black and being rushed somewhere. 

* * *

"Lillian you awake?" I heard the voice and I didn't recognize it but I knew enough to know that they had saved me. They had ruined my hopes and luck had vanished once again. Slowly things came into focus and I saw Potter staring at me with those damn eyes. They were bluish-gray and full of fear. I didn't bother to appear awake but pretended to being unconscious once again. Why was he here?

"Hey Prongs is Firebird awake yet?" I hear Grim's voice and almost dropped dead in shock. Not that I would have minded the dead part but why was he here? I meant nothing to him or to anyone. Right?

"No I thought she was coming out of it. Padfoot I can't help by think that this is my entire fault. I should have tried harder to understand her and help her. All she needed was someone to care and understand but I wasn't there." Woah! Did that just come from Potter? Why would he think it's his fault? 

"It isn't your fault Prongs. If anything it's Padfoot's and mine. We were so close but so far." Wolf? Grim? Does this mean they really care about me? Maybe just maybe they really wanted to know me and care about me. No it could never happen. Why didn't they just let me die!

"Moony's right. I love the little Phoenix like a sister and always will. I just don't understand why she would want to end her precious life when she has so much ahead of her to enjoy." Awwww…how sweet…not! He can't care! They can't care! NO! Life is not worth living for!

"You don't get it Padfoot I l…" James last words were lost as I slipped into another deep sleep thinking about what they said. They did care and for some reason I believed it. I know that for once in my life I was not acting, as I feel asleep with a small smile on my face. 

* * *

"Grim? Wolf?" I sat up in bed looking around not noticing the head laying down on my bedside.

"Hmmm?" Everything came into focus as noticed Grim and Wolf walk out the door no doubt for a trip to the kitchens and became more aware of the floppy black mess on my sheets. It was James Potter sleeping or so I thought until I kinda knocked him off when I woke up with such a start. 

"Lillian? Are you awake?" I rolled my eyes and I know he saw because one of his goofy grins spread across his face. Caught! Now I can't pretend to be asleep until Grim and Wolf return.

"Potter? Why are you here?" Ok so what if I slit my wrists and he saved me I gotta remain icy right? 

"I'm here because I care Lillian." No one ever called me Lillian. Only the people I loved ever called me that. Usually it was Evans or Lily but never Lillian. I wanted so badly to cry because my parents always called me Lillian. 

"Why should you care I hate you!" Oh sure that's right, give the guy who saved you the total ice treatment. Why don't you just shove his head down a toilet to? 

"Whatever Lillian. Why'd you do it Lillian? Why'd you try to end your precious life?" Don't let anything slip Lillian Evans! But it feels so right! NO! Remain cool and icy. Oh screw that I have to tell someone.

"You want to know why? I'll tell you why! I killed my parents, I killed my only friend in the whole world, and I killed my sister. If I hadn't been a witch and excepted here Voldemort wouldn't have murdered them or my brother and sister. All I had left after that was my cat and a sister who hates me. A cat who was killed by Slytherins and a sister who disowned me. Oh look there goes my only friend and there goes my only piece of my life! All gone because I had some damn little dream of all this actually coming true! I'm getting along perfectly fine until you three try to get into me and find out what's wrong! But no you couldn't let me die. They don't care! You don't care! NOBODY IN THIS GODDAMN WORLD GIVES A CARE! You should have let me die!" I was shaking. I let it out I don't know why I did it especially to James Potter but I let all the out and I felt…good? No wait that isn't right! So anyway thoughts how I ended up being hugged by Potter and crying on his shoulders about all the pains in my life when Grim and Wolf came in with tons of food. 

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I still can't believe it all happened in only one year. Hogwarts shall forever remain the same but I won't. I remember the whole year as I lay here with my head in James' lap pretending to sleep. I don't act as much anymore and I feel more free. The school actually took the news of James and I dating kinda good. I haven't changed all that much. I still dress in all black but I have a better look on life. Well kinda. 

I lay there on the train ride home to new freedom pretending to sleep as I listen in on my favorite people in the world…Grim, Wolf, and of course Bambi. 

"So Prongs ever though it would come true?" I felt his fingers gently run through my hair as he played chess with Wolf and talk to Grim in a hushed tone as not to wake me. I found this rather amusing.

"What come true?"

"This whole thing. You finding a girl who made you settle down only after she slit her wrists." I so badly wanted to laugh but then my cover would be blown so I simply smiled.

"It's still a dream to me Padfoot."

"Wonder what Flames is thinking about? Look at her smile. Checkmate Prongs."

"Damn you Moony." By this time I was dying of laughter as the three argued and threw things back and forth. Each had their own little nicknames for me which always made me smile. Sirius still called me Firebird and Remus calls me Flames, while I reserve the names Lillian and Little Phoenix for James. 

"So Prongs do you really like her?" My ears slightly perked up and I think only Wolf noticed them as I could sense him smile and knew my cover to him was blown. I had all these little quirks that easily gave me away. Ok so I wasn't the worlds best actress but I had so many fooled for so many years!

"Actually I don't like her Padfoot." My heart dropped and I could feel tears in my eyes as I almost felt my life shattered.

"WHAT!" 

"Like I said I don't like her Padfoot…I love her with all my heart." I smiled to myself and drifted off into a light sleep until James nudged me awake.

"Sorry Lillian but we're here. Come on we gotta go meet my parents." I forgot. He wanted me to meet his parents before I went out to go look for my own apartment in London. They wouldn't like me I knew it.

"Do we have to go? What if they don't like me?" Ok so I was a bit worried. Not my usual character I know but come on give me a break. I had faced rejection so many times that I just couldn't take another one.

"Don't worry Flames his parents would be blind not to love you." I rolled my eyes at this. Trust them to try to make me fee better. My only friends but I couldn't ask for more.

"Moony's right lil phoenix. My parents will love you." There I spotted them. They looked like the perfect couple with the perfect son and here I was going into their perfect lives and ruining it.

"Hey mom! Hey dad! I would like you guys to meet Lillian my girlfriend." I tried not to faint but it was hard. I couldn't read his parents faces and my usual bold personality had faltered.

"HI. Nice to meet you both." Oh well if all else fails try to use the old rusted charm. Come on please say something…

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"Why hello Lillian! It's so nice to finally meet you!" I almost dropped dead on the spot. THEY LIKED ME! This was a first and for some reason their approval meant the world to me.

"Why James you have such a lovely girlfriend. You better stick with this one honey."

A/N- Well that's it. In case you can't figure it all out it's from Lily's POV and she's telling it while she pretends to sleep on the train ride home. I know not my best work. Far from it but hey Read and Review and I'll be happy!


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